Dear Mama: The Breadwinner….
Mama Guru,
It is seldom that I ask for advice from those who do not know me, but in this case I am looking for an unbiased answer.
I have an issue in my relationship and do not know what to do.
I and my boyfriend have been together for the past four years. As a person, he is an awesome boyfriend, no lying, cheating, etc and I love him with all my heart. He is deeply spiritual, attractive and encourages me in everything I set my heart to AND I know that he would make a great husband and father. So, what’s the problem? The problem is he has no career goals.
We became an item in college and by the time I graduated with a Bachelor’s, he switched majors twice and eventually dropped out of school. Currently, he is working at a minimum waged job but says that he has plans to obtain a degree in the medical field but I’m so scared that history will repeat itself (starting but never finishing).
I have been told by loved ones that I was foolish for waiting so long and needed to move on with my career/life and eventually a new man “of my level” will find his way to my heart. I often get upset when I hear this because I feel as if they don’t know him like I do. I’ve never been the one to seek after a man (and never will) but I can’t imagine my life without him though I can’t see myself being the sole breadwinner of our future household. I feel that in itself would ruin a marriage.
Anyway, we (the boyfriend and I) have talked about this issue and marriage and I have even encouraged him to move forward but it we always end up with the same result: him accusing me of having a gold digging mentality and me throwing my hands up in frustration.
So, I’m throwing it out there hoping for some good advice on what I should do. :o(
From,
Sad, frustrated and confused.
Dear Sad, frustrated, and confused,
You have every right to feel the way that you do. I can assure you that you are not alone in your agony: many people are in your shoes.
You have every reason to be concerned about your future with this young man. Although the two of you may have somewhat of a stable relationship now, the dynamics of your relationship will definitely change (for good or bad) once children are involved or once the bills start piling up et cetra.
Your friend sounds like a wonderful man; he is everything that a young female should look for in a male companion; However, it is troubling that he has no goals. Someone without goals is someone without direction. Someone without direction is someone without a purpose in life. What is life without a purpose?
Perhaps it’s not so much that this young man doesn’t have goals; it’s probable that he just doesn’t know how to bring his goals to life. Trust me when i say that there are many adults out there who have goals but never see them come to fruition. Therefore, the idea is not only to have goals, but also to work towards said goals. Your friend wants to work in the medical field. Does he really or does he want to do that to please someone else? What are his passions? If he is not at all passionate about the medical field, then you will definitely see “history repeat itself.”
I advise that your friend talk to a career counselor of some sort. He needs to realize that although he may not have a concrete goal at present, he needs to take the initiative to find one. One day he will become a father. How will he set an example as a father?
You have a lot on your plate. You have to realize that your friend has to find himself on his own. You can only be there to support and encourage him. He has heard it many times before that he is not “driven enough” ; you two getting into arguments over his career goals will not make matters better. Moreover, if the two of you are arguing about this now, you will argue about it later when you are married.
Remember that you, too, have a purpose to fulfill in life. How long are you willing to let someone fulfill theirs before you fulfill yours?
~Mama
If you have any questions for me, please e-mail me at MamaGuru@blackcelebkids.com. Keep it PG13!
Ooooo Lawd! When I read this post I thought - damn I could’ve written this myself… I’ve been in a relationship for four years, I have a degree… he didn’t go the academic route… we live together… but the only difference is the child is here… I am the BW… supporting not only myself and my child but her father as well… A grown ass able bodied man who could have and still can do way more than he is choosing to do… he is employed but its just not enough… frustration/ tension is at an all time high and I’m to the point where I love him, BUT I do NOT like and definitely am NOT in love with him… we are often taught to believe that love is everything and will fix any situation… NOT!!!
For you its so much easier to shout deuces…. but for me there is a child involved so it’s waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy more complicated because of what I wanted for her. HOWEVER being as selfless as I have been these past four years (as Im sure you have been as well) its high time to be selfish. A happy mommy = a happy baby… so the exit strategy has already been set in motion and this living arrangement is a done deal come August. (I am counting down the days to the millisecond)
The biggest lesson that I have learned from all of this is that you cannot be with someone because of who you think they are going to become or even who they tell you they want to be. Because then you are not in a relationship with that person or even in that moment- you are in a relationship with what ‘could be’… you are dating potential… and there is always potential for disaster and disappointment.
I agree with Trish. I could’ve written this myself as well. I was in a relationship with this person for five years. Graduated undergrad started law school, he still doesn’t have a degree and he’s 5 years older than me.
He is such a great person. All of my friends think I’m “lucky” to have him because he’s so considerate and selfless. He puts me before himself (which was the problem). I loved that he adored me, but after the third year I realized that the brief thoughts about him not graduating (in life not just college) became long bouts of worry and feeling bad about myself because I thought I was being a “gold digger”.
I broke up with him a few months ago. It didn’t end badly, although it was hard as heck to tell him that I was tired of waiting on him to get his life together. I still speak to him often, and ask myself if it was the right thing. I’ve met guys who looked good on paper, but we weren’t compatible. That plus being in such a long relationship makes me kind of out of the loop. I don’t know where to meet good guys.
My mom says I need to just give it a chance, and not rush things, and I’ll meet new people. I won’t lie, though. I’m afraid. I’m afraid I won’t feel the same way about the new guy that I did about my ex (I really do love him with all my heart). I’m afraid that I’ll never actually find what I want. I’ve meet a ton of nice guys that don’t have their life in order, and my goodness it’s getting harder and harder to require that they not have any children.
I guess we all just need patience.
Mama Guru, Trish and NikNak…
Thank you all so much for your wisdom.
It just frustrates me in knowing how difficult this is…and NikNak, it looks like I’m heading your direction because I feel EXACTLY the way you do…EXACTLY…lol, I guess that we’re two peas in a pod.
Anyway, thanks again ladies!