TICHINA ARNOLD ON THE “HEARTBREAKING SIDE OF SINGLE MOMMYHOOD”
What do you do when you’re a single mom and your child screams, “I want my daddy”, but daddy is nowhere to be found? Yesterday(October 19th), actress Tichina Arnold had to face that question as her daughter Alijah Kai,5, cried out for her dad, Producer Carvin Haggins:
“
I had to listen to Alijah cry herself to sleep to the chant of “I want my daddy!” These are the nights that I wish never existed, but unfortunately do! It’s the challenging and heartbreaking side of single mommyhood.
I’m getting sick of hearing MYSELF give her the same reply, “Ok baby, but daddy is not here, we will call him tomorrow. Now go to sleep”. I can see her little wheels in her head just turning as if she’s about to say: “You say that all the time; she has not said it yet but she is starting to figure out that (for now) daddy is NEVER going to be there when she wants or cries for him.
It’s just another single mommy issue that I have to deal with “head on” when the time comes…and it’s coming faster than I expected.
I always knew Alijah was a bright child, but Lord, I did not expect to have to brace myself to address this subject matter so soon.
So needless to say, I gotta face the music. Without getting into my personal business, whether or not her dad and I see eye to eye or not, I ALWAYS make sure that at least 2x a week, I ask her if she wants to call her dad. It’s the best I can do.
I’ve already explained to her (in a way that a child could understand) that her dad and I are not together anymore, but we still love HER more than anything in this world…. But honestly, sometimes I feel like those answers are just not enough to take away that empty space she has of having her father around and in her life.
I’m realizing that unfortunately in due time…SHE’S going to have to face the reality that her dad is just not as available as she might like for him to be. Read More on Tichina’s blog
39 Comments to “TICHINA ARNOLD ON THE “HEARTBREAKING SIDE OF SINGLE MOMMYHOOD””
Leave a comment!
That is so sad…I feel for both mommy and daughter
Flag this
My question is why isn’t he around? It sounds like she NEVER gets to see him, if that’s the case, that is sad..
Flag this
Man, I will definitely be praying for them in this season. It doesn’t get easy, but God will strengthen them so they will be able to bear.
Flag this
Sad situation. I feel her pain on this. My daughter was the same way, as she got older she realized herself what it is. I make sure I surround her with postive male figures. Uncles, and other family members. When she gets old enough to ask her father why he was not around in her life like mommy was, let him answer. Importnant point is not to bad mouth the man as much as I want to I refrain from that. Little girls look up to their father. I know I did and still do. What a shame… losing out on years that you can’t just get back.
Flag this
I went through the same thing with my daughter. Last year October 11years later her dad wants to be involve. She doesnt want to be bother with her dad because he is not like my husband, my brothers, my dad, and her godfather. I was blessed to have these wonderful men that said she will not feel that void.
Flag this
This is sad, but a true story that happens when a mother is force to raise a child by herself. I know she was hurt when the teacher told her what the baby did at school. Grabbing on another student father leg saying I wish you were my daddy. I hope they can work the problem out so their daugther can spend more time with her father.
Flag this
I hope anyone reading this will never disregard the importants of a father being in his children’s lives. This is so sad, but I bet Alijah will be fine. Tichina seems like a wonderful mom, and even though she can’t make up for the lack of Alijah’s daddy’s presence, at least she is getting much love from her mommy and those around her.
Flag this
That is why people need to choose wisely when it comes to whom they have a child with. Another Eddie Murphy I guess. Is this child’s father married or what? that isnt a good enuff excuse either for not seeing your own child. I wouldnt let her call him period……she is the child, he is the adult, that is his job to call his daughter everyday if possible. Comes down to it money or no money, we are all human and we all have our problems, po baby girl.
Flag this
Parents, this is what happens when we are careless ~ the children suffer. God bless them, both!!
Flag this
Careless? Because they didn’t wed first?. Yes, marriage based on love and common ideals is the best situation for many, but it holds no guarantee…so I guess the mother whose husband cheated on her while pregant, ends up divorcing shortly after–and then daddy goes awol–is careless–not my situation, just saying….
Flag this
Exactly what I was thinking as well.
Flag this
Great point BB
Flag this
which is why i waited to get MARRIED to have children. no, marriage doesn’t guarantee anything but it’s an important step in deciding to have children. too many women get pregnant by someone they’re essentially dating. even if you’re living together, that is something too easy to “peace out” from. i also think women are reluctant to ask serious questions during the dating phase such as his commitment not only to you, but any children you many have and whether his finances are together so that the both of you can “go half on a baby.” overall, i think too many people are too emotionally immature to have children. the choice is truly on women. if you don’t want to be a single parent (and most of us are keenly aware of the caliber of man we’re with before pregnancy is an issue) wait until you’re ready or use birth control.
Flag this
Yeah, I hear what you are saying, I do agree that people in general whether married (ideal) or not need to start giving more consideration regarding who they bed down with the inherent potential of making a life (or disease).
But I also feel you are essentially blaming the victim. Wouldn’t it be great if we all had a crystall ball. Some of these married women who have been found murdered by their spouses ala Lacey Peterson come to mind.
Tichina is holding up HER end of the bargain–marriage or not. This appears to be neglect on the father’s behalf and it is so sad the many excuses so many of these deadbeat and absentee parents (mostly dads)give.
And by the by, divorces are being handed out like candy now-a-days.
Flag this
I went “all the way ’round the rosemarybush” with this one, as my mom would say–lol. But more simply put–a jerk, is a jerk, is a jerk whether he “rings” a woman or not. And just because a woman may not marry, does not mean she does not have high standards and expectations for the men she allows in her life.
Not so nice for single ladies or married when they have been led to believe that what they thought was gold, ends up turning green on them…
Flag this
You are 100% right! In my opinion, that’s the bottom line. People want to be able to walk when it gets too hot in the kitchen and then go running to the courts wanting the law to decide what’s his/hers of the property acquired during their relationship.
Also nyp, I wonder if people really consider what having children is all about and what a huge responsibility they have to that child. I understand some children are unplanned and things happen. Having children isn’t about the person giving birth, it’s about what’s best for the child. I mean we are applauding that 19 year old young model, Jourdan, for becoming a mom because she has “paper” and can “take care of her child,” yet do we consider what else it take to raise a child? Just saying, and please I hope no one come out with this, “It’s her life. What business is it of ours.” It’s not my business, I’m just stating an opinion.
Flag this
And what guarantee do you have that your husband wont leave? It doesnt matter what the circumstances are nowadays, if someone decides that they dont want to be in the childs life, you cant make them. If my husband decides to leave today, then I’d be in the same situation as Tichina. There are no guarantees in this world.
Also, i have friends who are married and the fathers are no where to be found and friends who have “babydaddies” and are excellent fathers.
Flag this
She needs to stop all the belly aching. She knew this when she became pregnant that the father wasn’t going to be around.
Flag this
you sound kinda harsh but i agree, i mean where is he, switzerland? does he have another fam? is he in prison? i say tell the kid the truth whatever it is….
Flag this
i agree, this is the reason i want to get married b4 i have children, i noe that there is a chance that i would get divorced and he would leave but the baby would b planned and he would have already except the responsibilities of a father(hopefully).
Flag this
Im going thru a similar situation so,I can relate. Me and my daughters dad lived together since she was born which has been 3yrs.We recently broke up this summer, and I had to hear her ask for her dad constantly, especially at bed time. This used to bother me a lot, so I make sure that he see’s her almost everyday, spends time with him, and even spends the night with him. She has finally ajusted to the fact that he no longer lives with her. I guess my situation is a little better. That’s really sad what tachina is going thru. I hope the situation gets better.
Flag this
At least Tichina’s baby’s father is still alive. She can let the baby live with him anytime! Now if the baby’s father was dead, then that would be another story. And I would feel bad for both of them.
Flag this
This is a sad situation and I feel for her. I don’t have any kids yet but I do plan on in the near future and I would love to pick the best father for my child! I didn’t know who my father was til I was 16! And in the beginning he didn’t wanna be bothered and kind of still doesn’t. I wasn’t mad I wanted to get to know him but the feelings weren’t mutual so I left it alone! I found out that he had another daughter and the week I was planning to meet her and get to know her, she was killed. Now he wants a relationship and I honestly don’t want to anymore! That was 7 yrs ago! I’m 24 now and because of all of this I want my partner and I to be friends first and then take it further because at least I feel there will always be good communication there if we were to seperate.
Flag this
Been there, lived through that. Marriage didn’t stop my grandfather from walking out on his wife and leaving his unborn daughter (my mother) fatherless. He made no effort to contact his children or even get to know the child he left behind in the belly.
Having been through that, my mother did her best to have my father be a part of my life but there was only so much and no more that she could do. He made a few half-hearted visits over the course of 3 years, but it was crystal clear that he didn’t give a damn. Also, since child-support laws are pitiful here, my mother didn’t bother to waste any time or energy with taking him to court (and he sure as hell didn’t offer).
My point is that marriage alone isn’t the preventative measure for fatherless children. Ring or no ring, fathers themselves have to care about their child’s welfare and make themselves available as well. (I know there are some women who purposely drive a wedge between their children and the fathers, but that is an argument for another day.)
Flag this
I wonder if people realize that it’s not about marriage alone. Anybody can get married. The point is to be smart about the type of man you marry. A lot of women see signs before they walk down the aisle and still marry a man because a) they think they can change the man once he signs the papers, b)they just want to say they have a husband, c)they been with the person for X amount of years so they might as well, or d) they are running out of time.
Ladies, be mindful of the man you choose to marry. Stop playing dumb. Pay attention to those blaring signs that show you he will NOT make a good husband/life partner/father. If he walks, like a dog, talks like a dog, and does everything to show you he’s a dog before marriage, signing marriage papers is not going to change that.
And when I say dog, I’m not talking about only cheating. I’m talking about abuse (physical/verbal/mental), selfishness, laziness, no money-management skills, habitual lying, etc.
Flag this
I feel her, I’m going through this at the moment you believe a MAN when he says no matter what happens to us I will always be there for my kids, well I did, I was 25 years old when I had my 1st daughter on my own living with this man and WE felt like okay let’s do it, and for our first daughter who is 3, he was the best staying up at night so I could get rest, having daddy and daughter time but thing went south when I was pregant with my daughter, who is 1, and we sat down and had a talk about his role in our daughter lives and at first it was good until I he relized I was done and then all that went out the window, my sister in law was in the hospital with me when I had my youngest daughter, he came only to sign his name to her birth cert. and all my youngest daughters life i was a single mother of 2, he came for birthday and brought them something but other than that nothing, my oldest daughter knew her dad so everytime she would see a picture she would ask for him and I really couldnt say anything because I didnt know myself, and then a month he came into there lives and wanted to take them for weekend my oldest ran to him when she saw him but my youngest hestied she only went because she does what he big sister does and when he bought them back all she was saying was dada I was no longer mama I was dada and I was really happy, but then he made that late night phone call and once again I said no and he didnt show up this past weekend. People say call him but why should I do that i have been living in the same place, having the same cell and home number what is it that is stopping him for being a dad he doesnt have to be the best just be a dad, when my daughter asked me this the question last night I just said he is somewhere thinking about you and she seems okay with that
Flag this
@shae,
That is a tough place to be, girl. Why is he playing with these children’s emotions? That makes me so angry when some parents play these b.s. games with their children. No, you shouldn’t have to call your children’s father. He should be man enough to call his children. Was he only making good (visiting his babies) because he “wanted some” and you said no? If so, he ought to be ashamed. As a parent, we have to protect our children, even if it’s from their own parent or family member. I wish you the best with your babies.
I love that last response you had to your daughter.
Flag this
While I do feel sorry for them, I have to say…from my understanding the babyfather and momma weren’t much together from when she was pregnant. ( check out when V.Fox was Punked) I think its time for Us single mommies to find the replacement daddy. I was listening to a song and the rapper said..” Gone raise your kids.. gone put a man in they life”. . We need to start replacing these babydaddies. I hate to hear stories like this one because it seems more like momma is making more of an effect then daddy. Trust me there are men dying to be somebody’s daddy. We gotta come outta our comfort zones and find.. Mr. New daddy.
Flag this
It’s easir said than done, you have to be careful about bringing men into your childrens lives.
No matter what, the men need to find a way to spend time with their daughters.
Flag this
You are very right Midnite but… I hear woman say”I’m on a mission” be on a mission to find a better man to be in your childrens life. Because the truth is our generation .. Us.. 20′s and early 30′s we are not our mothers.. Or mothers weathered stormy marriages, and cheating for the sake of their children. I don’t suggest we do so now, but I do suggest when we find someone to forfill our needs.. We remember toys, the wii, and playstation will never replace a daddy.
Flag this
Wow. I couldn’t fathom parenting alone. Much respect to those who do. Certain people are equipped to endure…
Flag this
For example, we are all told to eat right, exercise, don’t smoke, drink too much, wear our seatbelts, and take care of our bodies. Well some people do just that, but guess what? Many still have heart attacks, strokes, get cancer, die in car accidents, etc. Does that mean we stop doing what’s right for our bodies? No. We use as many precautions as we can to reduce the risk of those things.
No one said marriage was a guarantee, but marriage is still the best environment for a child. Yes, there are always exceptions to the rule, but it’s been studied over and over again. Look it up if you don’t believe it.
Flag this
I;m not disagreeing with you, but it depends on the people involved IN the marriage rather than the marriage institution itself. One of my mother’s aunts has been married for many decades, and I would be lying if I said her marriage was successful and her husband was a fine spouse and father. Some of the things that man has put her and her children through….you wouldn’t believe me.
Both parties (man AND woman) have to be mature for a marriage to be a secure and healthy environment for a child. Rings, pastor’s blessings and a certificate are all gestures; it’s what they bring to the table that counts the most in any relationship.
Flag this
I feel for Ajilah. But Tichina shoulda chose better or worn a condom. She was friends w Carvin (RB singer Musiq’s musical producer) for years. She knew he had 5 kids with various ladies
( she said so on a tv1 interview. Read this: [link removed]that he wasnt taking care of. Y did she think it would be different?
Flag this
@Teri, thanks girl I havent given up on him only because I see how happy he makes our daughter when he does come around but when he says he’s coming I just don’t tell her until he actually comes and for the past Christmas I just bought a gift and put his name on it and will do so as long as it keeps her happy. He’ll come to his senses someday
@ModelChic it’s not easy at all but like I heard some comic say black women “do what they got to do” if you don’t who will
I was alway think of the if I had did it this way would it have been differnt yeah i could have did alot of things differnt, lesson learned, but now i have two mouth’s to feed i’m not struggling i am able to pay my bills without him but why do i have to is my question????
As far as dating, i dont know i have two daughters and i just want to take my time no one will come into their lives until i know that he is going to be around this time I have choosen not be sexuality active until marriage maybe i should have done that from the being but not to late to get it right. I just pray that God sends me someone he thinks is right for me and he will one day until then just about me and my babies
Flag this
I’ve read numerous articles and blogs on this women and parenthood. And it looks like she longs for a man in her life, and that she isn’t capable of raising a child on her own. That comment she made about woman can’t raise “men” children was total bull. Women do it everyday, and don’t complain about it at all. Have you ever heard a man say that oh I can’t raise my “woman” child on my own. Get Real, when my grandmother died, my grandfathers sisters wanted to take my two aunts, and he said hell no. He can take care of his own children. I hate it when blk women today complain about I can’t do this without a man and I can’t do that without a man. Oh, and if you wanna know a technic that works. “STOP LYING TO YOUR KIDS”. Tell them the truth, because when you lie, they still expect things. Tell your daughter that “hey your daddy is just not going to be around. Then she grow to stop expecting him to be.
Flag this
Uhh..Going to jail is just like walking out of a child life because they knew what they did was wrong and they are consequences for it. What she needs to do, is tell her child the truth. Please people stop lying to your kids, stop with all the sugar coating. If you lie and sugar the situation, she still is going to expect things that she’s never going to get from her father. Let her know straight up, “Hey your daddy is not going to be around like you want him too”. That way she’ll learn not to expect things from him, and her little heart won’t be broken when she doesn’t get them.
Flag this
Jay you are so right. That is a big mistake lying. I never lied to my daughter. I told her your dad is not ready to be in your life maybe one day. That one day has come and she is not ready to be with him and that is really upsetting him because I guess he thought that she was going be so crazy missing him but she wasnt.
Flag this
What age is apporiate for that at 3 won’t that confuse her more than help?
Flag this