ERYKAH BADU: “NO ONE CHOOSES TO RAISE CHILDREN ALONE”
As a single mother of three, singer Erykah Badu knows the hardships that come with raising children alone.
Though the fathers of her children are “are present a lot,” Erykah says, “No one chooses to raise children alone. When you’re in a relationship you want it to work. My parents did, I did. But we are not taught how to make it work. We don’t know how to perform in relationships. I did maths, science, English but we weren’t taught about human interaction, about relations with the opposite sex.”
Is Erykah suggesting schools give advice on relationships? “No, compassion lessons.”
Ms. Badu still lives in Texas where she works diligently on her music and raises her son Seven,13,(dad is rapper Andre 3000); daughter Puma,5,(dad is rapper D.O.C); and her youngest daughter Mars,1(dad is musician Jay Electronica).
“I’m a woman who has gone through many heartaches, enough to dedicate my whole life to trying to figure them out. Being honest is my job. That’s what music is for me.”
71 Comments to “ERYKAH BADU: “NO ONE CHOOSES TO RAISE CHILDREN ALONE””
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Excuse me!!! but why do people always refer to children of un-wed mother’s as illegitimate? That’s just a nicer way of calling a child a bastard. That’s disgusting since when is it the child’s fault that there parents chose not to marry before they had them?? It’s really cruel to say that about someone’s innocent child and I was raised by a single mom, my sister and I don’t have the same father but my sister is 9 years older than me!!!
Erykah couldn’t stay with Andre3000 once their relationship ended so she moved on. The second rapper she was with she fell in love with him (forgot his name)and had her daughter Puma with him. That was is 2003. Years after she was with Andre!! She’s a very good mother and I don’t blame her since her family is matriarchal she never had a strong relationship with men and was solely raised by women.
She’s always going to have that desire to be in a caring and loving relationship with a man but probably the men she’s attracted are like her father in the sense that they have trouble with commitment. She’s not perfect either so she’s partially to blame.
However she is not some horrible person!!She wanted to settle done and maybe she was afraid of marriage,since she’s never seen it growing up in her family. But she deserves to be happy and in love and I hope she can have that with Jay Electronica and then maybe get married one day if that’s what supposed to happen in her life.
My mother didn’t intend to be single and just got into two different relationship that did not last for whatever reason. But she was still an independent women who took care of and loved her children regardless of the circumstance. I have a lot of respect for her and Erykah. Society can be cruel towards women who are single and not married. Luckily for my mom she didn’t have to face that because she’s not a public figure like Erykah. But yes Erykah made some mistakes that doesn’t mean that people should harass and gossip about her choices and then call her children illegitimate!! As though they have no right to be alive or something!! Geez.
I personally want to get married and will not have children out of marriage. If for some reason I have a greater purpose that needs to be filled alone than so be it. I’ll get some pets or something and volunteer looking after children who don’t have parents but I will not raise a child alone. I want to break the cycle and I’m neither condemning nor condoning having a child out of wedlock. Just for myself I would not want to go through the stress that my mother went through. I want my children to have a loving father and if I ever were to get divorced, I would try to make sure my children lived close to and saw their father all the time. The only way to insure that is to be with a man who is willing to be committed to his partner and his children.
ok having three baby fathers is alot but what is she suppose to do? everytime she wants sex or another child to go run back to baby’s father just so they can have the same father? its not that serious. when relantionships dont work out you move on and thats what she did her kids are 13, 5 and 1 they are many years apart which means she didnt jump head first right into a relantionship after the next its not like her kids are 2, 4 and 6 yrs old they many years apart so she had these kids over a periiod of time over the yrs people saying this is so wrong as if she had them close together or she jump from relationship to relantionship with these men. nobody knows how long she dated them or how long they were together after the baby was born before they broke up. so people need to relax with the harsh opinions most average people have atleast two baby dads, not all, if you only have one I commend you but having two isnt a crime she only has one more than the average. im sure these guys are all good men just the relantionship didnt work out but if they’re still active in there kids lives thats what counts the most anyway.
I thought ERICA had a baby with COMMON I have a magazine with the both of them on the cover holding a newborn? guess I was whong.
I understand what Erykah is saying but at the same time you do have a choice. I too was raised by a single mother and lived the struggle with her and knew early on that I didn’t want that for myself or my kids. I wanted a partner not a baby daddy so I “chose” to be very discriminating with the men I dated and protected myself. Every relationship doesn’t have to produce a child, and if your relationships tend to fail, that’s all the more reason to be selective and patient. Ride the relationship out some and see where it goes instead of rushing into things just to end up adding another “baby fahva” to your collection.
Ah, someone else who speaks my language!
AMEN! I think so many women have tremendous pressure on them to be with a man instead of finding out who THEY are first before bringing a man/child into the world.
You’re right about that. So many of my high school friends got married immediately after college and/or became mothers before they were 22. Society and the media seem to make it a freak of Nature if you’re not hitched and breeding before 25. I could have sworn we were passed the time period where a woman was considered over the hill if she was still single and childless at 20. I guess I was wrong.
I am a single parent and my daughter’s father is extremely active in her life. He spends time with her every day. We are not together but we are the closest of friends. We just realized late into our relationship that we were better as friends than we were as a couple. We were together for 5 yrs and even had made wedding plans and bought the rings and all. Our daughter came early in our relationship (like 2 yrs) but even with her arrival we still didn’t ourselves getting any closer to that aisle. I say all this to say I had no attention of being a single mother. If you would have asked me before she came to be I would have bet my life that I would spend the rest of my life with this man. But people change as life goes on and we discovered that we have always been better friends than lovers.
I also say that to make the point that just because my childs father and I arent together doesn’t mean she doesn’t have her father in her life. People are quick to assume that if a women is a single parent than that means the father is no where to be found and the women is fighting for child support. That isn’t always the case. Plenty of men are constant figures in their children’s lives without being in a relationship with the mother.
Aria, unfortunately, a lot of the father’s aren’t around. There’s always exceptions to the rule, and thankfully your daughter has an active father in her life. That’s a blessing, but so many more don’t.
I am the product of divorce as well. My mother allowed up to spend time with our father who was ultra-violent towards women and we all suffer from post-trauma as a result. In other words, it’s possible we would have done better without knowing him at all.
So what is worse?
I am sorry that you had this very unfortunate experience. We all have a duty to protect our children. If one parent is violent, then of course, he/she should not have contact with the children. I am talking about women who choose single motherhood for their own selfish/irresponsible reasons.
Virgie, I am sorry to hear that ((hugs)). But you seem to be doing well in the here and now.
Marriages differ, the way people come into single parenthood differ and so do the outcomes. Blanket assessments don’t really delve into other variables of importance.
And by the way, it’s very few single mothers who have Ms. Badu’s earning potential…think about that…most single moms are struggling financially, emotionally and otherwise. God gave us marriage to provide stability for all: husband (father), wife (mother) and children. Why would we deliberately choose otherwise? It makes no sense. We are only weakening our community by continue this “baby mama” culture. We are only cheating our children and ourselves…
Kinereth, you make SO MUCH SENSE. You rock!
I work in the inner city and I see the problem of illegitimacy every day. The more our children are being born out of wedlock means more of us below the poverty line. More of us without anything. More of us in a financially and emotionally handicapped environment and without to the tools to succeed in this world. Poverty breeds more poverty. But the child has a better chance of rising out of poverty with positive role models of both genders, mom and dad. When we have babies out of wedlock, we choose a miserable life for them. It may be what you want for yourself. Some choose single motherhood for selfish reasons: 1) baby mama check 2) don’t want to share the baby with the father. But is it fair to your child? They don’t have a choice of how they are raised.
As a parent, I want my child to have the best possible environment. The only way I would be a single mom is if I were to divorce or worse…I would not deliberately choose that life for my child…it’s completely unfair to them. I am a child of divorce but at least I had input from both parents which helped me tremendously. Having benefitted from having both parents in my life, and seeing the results of the growing illegitimacy in our community (poverty, crime, underachievement and violence), I would have to be on drugs or crazy to choose to have a child out of wedlock…
Thank you, Kinereth, thank you a million times for this statement. I would not do it with my eyes wide open. My children mean more to me than to bring them into the word on purpose if I know the father doesn’t want to commit to me and is busy making babies with other women or if he already has a batch of illegitimate kids. Neither could I deliberately and consciously make that choice for them. I know too many people who don’t know there brothers and sisters, and wonder if they could accident end up dating them. I’ve heard this fear mentioned too many times to be okay with multiple babydaddies and babymamas.
wow she brock up wit the man already!!!
I love you Erykah, but when you and your BD’s were literally and orgasmically high you were not thinking about raising children. The thought process of raising children should start before they are even made between you and your partner/husband. Having three children with three different fathers living in your roof without a real or legal male provider is not a good look, even if the male is only providing love to you and these children, that’s better than just you doing it alone. I’m sorry she has been put in the position to defend herself on these decisions….
If one is not sure of his/her mate dont be stupid a have children with every mate u think u love. Cause when its all said and done you’ll find yourselfe looking like a h@$. What reason can one give their children when they ask why they all have diffent fathers/mother. This tends to be the norm in the black community. We have got to do better.
Actually a lot of people choose to be single parents. Crazy Octomom, and many others lol.
emphasis on the word “crazy”. thas all i’m sayin lol!
Please stop being desperate. Ladies, do you really need a kid that bad that you will have one with a man who isn’t thinking about committing to you? Is fighting for child support what you dreamed about when you were a kid? Stop purposely making broke down families. It’s a damn shame. Stop trying to rationalize this mess.
See this is why white children does so much better than our children. Look at the ignorant things some of you are saying. What does the year have to do with anything? she still shouldn’t be having kids like that and not married. Because 42percent of black women have kids out of wedlock. Does that mean the other 58percent should to? 93percent of white people still believe in marriage before kids. The President and the first lady believed in it too. We as black people really need to do better and think better or the majority of our kids will never amount to anything.
As a single mother of three by choice this statement (been married 2x) is disturbing. I know plenty of single parents male/female black or white that have no problem raising their kids to “amount to something”. I seriously doubt that children of single parents are more likely to become liabilities in society…..I know for a fact that my children are expected to suceed regardless of which parent is around or not. While I do think that women should stand up for themselves and their children instead of letting these men forget about the life they helped create . I know white women who are single parents as well as asian, latina etc.etc. its not a black thing…I think we are the only race of people that use this as an excuse of why our kids don’t amount to squat. “Oh Nia’s daddy ain’t around that’s why she acts like that” stop letting these kids feel sorry for themselve. One monkey don’t stop no show at all. Black women get the most flak for being single moms but we aren’t the only ones. We just ALLOW it to impact our children differently, pitty parties are over-rated, the victim role is too.
You can be a single mother and have a sucessful career and healthy love life, and sucessful children. Put in some effort see how far that will take you.
Coco,
While I’m sure your kids will be amazing adults, it’s hard to ignore the studies that suggest that girls who grow up without a father (and no, I’m not suggesting that all single mothers don’t have their child’s father around) have a higher chance of becoming teen mothers, exhibiting sexual behavior early, having low self-esteem, and have a higher instance of being in abusive, dysfunctional relationships. Boys who grow up without fathers have a higher chance of being incarcerated, being a juvenile offender, or exhibiting anti-social behavior. Being in a two-parent household isn’t a guarantee that the child will be perfect. It doesn’t even guarantee the child won’t have the same issues I mentioned. However, the likelihood decreases when the child grows up in a stable, two parent household.(Interestingly, instances I mentioned decrease even more if the child eats dinner with their parents as a family frequently or ever night). Personally, I have no issue with single mothers who hold it down. Relationships end. The divorce rate is over 50%. What I don’t get is why people keep having children with men they’re not in a serious relationship with and acting surprised when the guy bails (i.e.: Maury guests and my own personal ‘egg donor’) To let these folks tell it, we’re in a birth control shortage.
Sound, well rounded insight on the matter instead of the knee jerk bashing. I do believe the statistics you noted, it goes beyond God or society saying this is the way it should be, to real tangible reasons why.
I have mixed feelings myself and don’t believe marriage is all its cracked up to be, that is just me, but I can understand the benefits of it (a healthy one) in regards to partnering to raise children.
I do believe that Erykah’s money and the fact that she claims each of her children’s fathers are involved does make a difference in her situation.
In one line someone said that she and the one guy were engaged. Engagement used to be for preparation of marriage. Now when people produce children they are fiance or engaged. If you are engaged and you become pregnate, why don’t they go on and get married. If you are engaged then why not wait until you are married to start having the children. Three children by three different men, I don’t care how you put it…..it’s just no more a mistake. It appears that we, as Black women, are sterotyped has having several different children by several different men whether we have done it or not. It seems complicated enough when you have several different fathers for your children because of several different marriages, so why would one want to do it without any kind of committment that the man is going to be there at all. Just because it’s been done doesn’t mean we have to keep doing it.
I agree but…tell that to Kanye West’s mother*r.I.p, or Diddy’s mother or how about Queen Latifah’s mother. I know that these are shining examples but I am saying that potential is there. It is up to US as mothers to say…”things did not work out in for your father and I but, that does not mean that I do not love you, that does not mean that your father does not love you, weBOTh expect you to strive to achieve your personal best everyday, we owe it to you to make sure you make something out of your life.” Now this is a rare convo but, kids should be held accountable for their actions and not let fall to the wayside just because the father isn’t around. WWE as a community do not hold OUR children accountable. We see single mother struggling and we do not ask her if she needs help, it takes a community to raise a child. WE black people know all about that. So when you say all of the stats you stated I think about the kids out there who come from single parent homes who are in college who are teachers, who are leaders in our community. I am from a two parent family, my parents were better parents after the divorce because the focus could be put on the person who needed it ME.
Sick of people making the few speak for the many…I know latina single moms who work 2-3 jobs at a time to put her 4 kids through school. I know an Asian single mother who graduated with a B.A in psychology and her daughter is on the honor role and a ballerina. I know a white woman whose husband left her after 25 years with nothing and 2 teenagers to take care of and those kids are 2 years ahead in school. Tooo many of the few are speaking for the many . Yeah if your sista friend doesn’t give her daughter the proper tools for life she may end up eith a baby young, or a prostitute or in an abusive relationship, if she also doesn’t try to help guide her son into manhood and have any male role models then yes he may end up in jail or worse.
Stop letting these kids see that failure is acceptable if you have a reason. *not you just in general*
Again,
I never said it was a guarantee. I’m stating statistics from not only various studies, but my own thesis as well. My egg donor bailed when I was 3 months old, my father died when I was 2 and I was raised by my grandmother and my aunt. I’m about a year shy of obtaining my PhD. In other words, my rearing situation didn’t define how I turned out for the most part, but I still needed and missed male guidance and it did affect how I went into relationships with men. However, you know as well as I do that there are some “mothers” out there who are bringing man after man after man into their kids lives, are still partying, are bickering back and forth with their “baby daddy” and denying him rights for visitation because he has someone else or who’s bed has more action than a Van Damme movie. I’m not disputing the fact that single mothers can hold it down 100%; what I am saying is that it would be nice if WE as people thought more about who we chose to lie down with and have kids with because in the long run, the kids are the ones who suffer.
CocoChanel, good for you. Sounds like you are holding it down (parenting)
.
I can’t stand judgmental people. Let’s look at one fact: In the U.S. at least 42% of Black women have never been married, including women with children. That’s 6 points off 50%!!! This stat came from a recent ABC News exposé regarding Black women and relationships.
42%. I recall that it was not Badu’s choice to break up with the father of her children. Those men CHOSE and my opinion is that it was her success/openness/celebrity that drove them away. I’m not faulting Badu or the fathers of her kids. It is what it is but it also seems to be a national TREND.
NOBODY IT SAYING ITS RIGHT…SHE DIDNT PLAN IT…IT WAS A MISTAKE…CELEBRITIES ARE HUMAN TOO..AND I WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP SAYING STUFF LIKE HAVING BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK?..WHAT CENTURY ARE WE LIVING IN…ITS 2010 LAST TIME I CHECKED…. AND 80% OF AMERICANS WERE BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK SWEETIE…I SEE MORE MARRIAGES FAIL THEN SUCCEED…MARRIAGE DOSENT MAKE A SITUATION BETTER….
WHAT CENTURY ARE WE LIVING IN…ITS 2010 LAST TIME I CHECKED…. AND 80% OF AMERICANS WERE BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK SWEETIE…I SEE MORE MARRIAGES FAIL THEN SUCCEED…MARRIAGE DOSENT MAKE A SITUATION BETTER….
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What does the century or year have to do with anything? Please tell me how having babies out of wedlock is helping the thousands of children (in particularly black children) better. Many are without fathers who are not taking care of them – living below the poverty level due to broken families and no income; 80% of Americans born out of wedlock? Really? Where did you get that tidbit from? Lastly, maybe it’s not “marriage” per se that fails, but the people involved. Just a though. I hate to say this, but studies have proven over and over again that marriage is better than bringing a child into a single parent household. The prisons are filled with men who grew up with no daddy in the house. Why do you think this way of thinking is so prevalent in our community?
DOES IT MAKE IT RIGHT LEE? NO IT DOES NOT. SHE NEEDS TO STOP HAVING BABIES NOT JUST BY DIFFERENT MEN, BUT HAVING THEM PERIOD AND NOT MARRIED. SHE IS SO TRIFLING, WE ALL KNOW THAT ANYWAY. WE ALL SAW THE VIDEO, HMMMMMM……….SUCH A FREAKING LADY.
I “unlike” this comment.
But one can choose to use protection and stop having kids by different men.
Sorry Ms. badu. You chose to bed these men outside the bounds of marriage. In the old days that was known as fornication. This is what you get. When you make it easy, you lose. That’s why 70% of our babies are being born out of wedlock; and a large percentage of these babies have no input from their father. We do not values ourselves enough to make it hard for these men to use us and throw us away. 45 years ago the 70% of our babies were being born within marriage and fathers were actively participating in the lives of our children. What happened.
Time to wake up. ladies, if we continue to let men milk the cow for free, they will never make a commitment to us nor our childre. And having 3 babies for 3 different. Come on Ms. Badu! That’s what dogs do…
Hmm, I just saw on Wendy Williams a girl stood up and admitted to having kids with her boyfriend and when Wendy ask why aren’t you two married, the girl answered, “It’s not a priority.” It always perplexes me when people put unprotected sex and having an illegitate child at the top of there list of things to do. It especially trips me out when they try to make it seem like a smart decision. As in, “I have children, but I’m too young to be married.” What??? When sisters say this I’m like this is why these men are haphazardly spreading their seeds. They can always find women who don’t think a committed relationship is a priority before having children or unprotected sex. Y’all do know HIV and AIDs is still jacking up our community, right? SMH. Stop making it seem like this crap is A-okay. Stop settling for man who don’t want to commit. Stop being desparate.
Are you married? How is your life working out?
I don’t have illegitimate kids and I’m not waiting for the daddy to come see his kid. That’s how my life is going.
I agree. but E is my gurl and while we can sit hee and shake our fingers we weren’t there in the room or in the relationship to say what should/ shouldn’t happen. She was with Dre 3000 for 7 yrs. she dated common and never had a kid. so on and so forth… maybe like jill scott she had a fiance and the plans werew said but life moved in a different way…OH WELL!! I still love her and as long as she is happy when she sleeps and wakes then what I think is more relevant to you all than her.
Three different fathers equal three different child support checks. Erica Badu is no fool.
Some of you women kill me! Stop being so judgmental! She is definitely not the only one in our community that has had “baby daddies” and failed relationships. Yes, some of you are in the same situation but probably are just too ashamed to admit it. It is also our mothers, sisters, cousins, aunts etc. Like she said, no one plans to be a single parent. More importantly, we are not taught how to sustain healthy relationships. Our parents/society conditions us to be OPPOSITE(which means OPPOSING)so of course we are going to have a truck load of issues.
Is it really being judgemental when the woman is telling us that it is hard to rear children alone? I mean, maybe once was a slip up, but hadn’t she realized this hardship before she went on to have two more children by 2 more men?
But with 3 kids by 3 different men and no marriage to boot (marriage IMO signals that a man HAS committed to you [doesn’t mean the marriage is going to last but at least both parties have no excuse to say they didn’t know it was a serious relationship/committment for life) she certainly didn’t plan to “not” be a single parent. Most birth control is 99% effective when used properly, if her birth control is failing like that then she needs to file a lawsuit…….
So because she’s not the only one in the world with multiple children by multiple men, we can’t say anything about it? Well, if she’s off the board for discussion then so are all the average women who keep Maury Povich rich, and the regular women in the neighbourhood.
She may be a celebrity, but that doesn’t make doo-doo smell like roses.
Erykah, just because you get involved with a man does not mean you have to have his child. I am so sick of women willing to lay with a man, create a life with a man, but not willing to get to know him well enough BEFORE laying with him and creating a new life with him. SLOW DOWN!! Maybe if you’d give the relationship some time and communicate your needs/wants, you’d realize this guy isn’t in it for the long haul with you or a child. This can’t be squarely placed on the man. Women have a responsiblity for their own lives and the outcome of it.
Well said!
AMEN, AMEN, AMEN.
thanks twig. that’s what i was trying to say
i think that she just picked the wrong men to be in relationships with. there are always signs. stop having babies for free lock it up. its just that simple. actually think and weigh the pros and cons of having this person in your life all the time even when you dont want to.
hmmm, three different daddies and none of them wants to be involved with her? sad she didn’t pick better men to have kids with. not trying to be judgemental, but wow. clearly they are not good dads but i think she has to assume some responsiblity for ending up in that situation.
How can you say they aren’t good fathers just because their relationship with the mother didn’t work out that doesn’t make any sense at all.
Hmmmm…can’t make that connection either, Nisha. You can be a great dad and not get along with the mother. That’s apples and oranges. I do hope she figures this out before baby/dad #4. Oh well, none of my business. She never asked me for a loan nor has she asked me to babysit:).
Erykah Badu once made a statement to the fact that while you are in a relationship you make it work and think the best of it but when it turns sour don’t try and force it. She is a free spirit person who believes in love and also knows how to let go. She loves her kids and is more interactive than some women who have children by the same man who in the end turns out not to be the one they spend their lives with. Being judgemental only gets you so far. EXPAND YOUR MIND.
I think people are getting of typic, yes she has three children by three different men-the plus is that all of the fathers are active in there children lives;but I have to agree with her when she makes the comment that we weren’t taught how to interact with the opposit sex. We are so quick to cheat or walk away from a realtionship because that person doesn’t do what we think they should or shouldn’t do. SOmetimes pp tend to treat there lover or spouse like a child and not a partner. No having multi baby father’s doesn’t help because children learn from explames, but all you can do is your best…best of luck to her and other wowan/men in her position
If the relationship ends after the kid…that’s always suspect. I always wonder why these relationships don’t end before the illegitate pregnancy. And when there are multiples…come on. Once is a mistake…over and over again is a lifestyle.
well, i say that because she says she’s raising them alone. they can’t really be present a lot if she is raising them alone..
Okay well that makes sense, but I think when she said that she meant that she was the primary care giver not that the fathers weren’t helping at all.
Excuse me??!! Erykah is currently in a relationship with her 3rd childs father “Jay Electronica” and he does want to be involved with her. All 3 of her babies father are good men, have successful careers. Andre 3000…Outkast fame what more can I say!! DOC…he ghostwrote your favourie rappers favourite raps!!! nuff said. And her last childs father she is still currently with Jay Electronica, is a future legend in Hip Hop (and he is a very POSITIVE rapper). Sometimes relationships just dont work, things happen, children are born, leave Erykah alone, and keep track of your own life, and babies fathers!!!!
she’s da female lil wayne,and she sure do luv herself a rapper,damn
Yeah, I was gonna say that maybe she sould stay away from rappers or musicians. Lol.
i was surpRised to see that she actuaLLy did a video with Lil Wayne! it was pretty nice tho.
I would love to see the kids.
I love Erykah as an artist, and I hope she figures out herself and the relationship issues, especially if she decides to have more children. She was being very candid and honest, and Lord knows, relationships can be complicated. I wish her and her babies the best.
I have always Wondered how Jay Electronica became famous. He is a good rapper, but he is also a father to one of Badu’s children…interesting. Also, Badu could have gone Gaga in this picture if the tear drops where actually made of liquid.
As an Englishman, I could not let this fly. I meant to put “were” where “where” is.
WOW three daddys!!
Have you not slept with three people in your lifetime? Don’t judge.
I haven’t (slept with three people), but surely she (or he) could buy a condom or birth control.
You know it’s possible to sleep with someone and not get pregnant right?